Have you ever felt like you’re in a battle with your emotions and feelings?
In the midst of those battles, do you ever think “I’ve been here before. I’ve fought this war before.”?
More importantly, do you ever think “I WON this before, why the eff am I still fighting?”
This is what Dave and I call “familiars”. Battles and issues you’ve had in the past (ie: unworthiness, abandonment, etc. Basically: fear) that keep rearing their ugly heads for us to stumble on again and again, no matter how many times we think we’ve dealt with them.
Well, in the spirit of honesty, I’ve been punching one of these familiars in the face all week. A big one for me: being left out and forgotten.
Growing up, I was left out of a lot of things for one reason or another. Mostly because kids are just plain mean, but sometimes it was due to circumstances that were beyond my control. Regardless, it was never my choice. Even people who I called my friends – my GOOD friends – hurt me at some point, made me feel like I didn’t belong, or literally completely forgot about me.
Sadly, it became something I expected from school friends, church friends, and even family – because these familiars don’t give a crap who the offender is, they just want to make sure you’re wounded. It became a way of life for me. I expected people to leave me out of things without thinking about it. I expected to not be invited to things. I expected everyone to have amazing or hilarious stories and inside jokes that I would never be apart of and would subsequently feel the sting of every time they were brought up. I actually expected to be forgotten at places or during activities. And worst of all, I expected it would only get worse as my life went on.
I’m now 33 years old, have forgiven all of those people, have moved on, and yet somehow, just when I’m feeling comfortable, that stupid voice in my head starts lying to me again.
I repeat, because this is important, it’s LYING to me.
I know that people love me.
I know that they chose to pull me into their inner circles.
I know they’re not going to forget about me and leave me in the dust.
I know they are for me and not against me.
I know that even if/when our relationships morph, it doesn’t change the foundation that is there.
I know they’re not going to rub things in my face and make me feel bad.
I know all of these things and more but sometimes I need to remind myself. So that’s what I’m doing.
This is not a pity post. I’m not fishing for compliments or affirmation. I’m simply sharing my heart, in hopes that putting everything in writing will help me win my battle.
Maybe it’ll help someone else win theirs.
Maybe it’ll help you.