The Ex Factor

So today I had a brilliantly awful idea. Have you ever had one of them? You know the kind I’m talking about, where you think it’s a great idea and then the second you pull the trigger you’re like crap, shouldn’t have done that, and you wish you had just thought for like 2 seconds.


Today, Fat Amy was smarter than me. Not only did I think, but I actually said out loud “hey, I haven’t facebook stalked my ex in a while…”

To which my work wife replied “Ha! Gonna see how fat he got?”

“hahaha…..HOLY SHIT!”

I kid you not, I think I said (and typed) HOLY SHIT at least 20 times within 5 minutes.

You guys! Never do this! There is a reason these people are in your past and not your present!

What information did I find out? That he and his wife are expecting their first child soon.


OK, let’s recap for those of you who don’t know me well, or don’t know who I’m talking about, because I’m still doing this whole “protect the innocent” thing for some reason.

This is the guy who

  • got me to walk away from my church and the majority of my faith
  • caused me to lose most of my friends
  • convinced me that completely changing who I was and everything I stood for was a NORMAL part of being in a relationship
  • didn’t have the balls to break up with me so I had to do it, while his friends were over, because I couldn’t take it anymore
  • I still had to live with for a few months because I had nowhere else to go
  • I’m confident cheated on me, even though he’ll deny it until the day he dies
  • thought it would be a GREAT idea to bring said girl to my new place to drop off the rest of my stuff

side note: that was the day I LOST it on him. I have never dropped so many f-bombs in my entire life

  • without going into great detail basically, violently ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it into a million and one pieces, chewed it up, swallowed it and then threw it back up directly into my mouth

Was that last part too much? hahaha sorry.

I can’t tell you how many lies I caught him in, nor could I tell you why I stuck around for 3 years. All I can say is that I was unaware that the human heart could ACTUALLY HURT. Heartbreak isn’t a phrase, it’s a reality!

Now, when I found out he was engaged to “Thing” (and I’ll use that name, because that’s the name he used so I “wouldn’t find out” lol so stupid). Anyway, when I found out he was engaged to Thing my first honest reaction wasn’t bad. I figured, if everything that went down between us was going to go down, at least it was because he found the one he was “in theory” supposed to be with and not because he was bored with me.

But my first reaction to he and Thing having a child?

Why the heck does he get to be married and have kids and I don’t? What did he do to deserve that?

I know people can change, as my friend Zack so nicely pointed out to me:


 *place foot directly in mouth*

but it’s so frustrating! Because every time I think I’m getting close to that chapter in my life something happens that throws me right back to where I started, and this guy, THIS GUY…UGH! It may be naive of me but, I like to think that someone who did me so wrong doesn’t get to have happy things in his life. Hahaha ridiculous, I know.

I will tell you this though, there isn’t one little tiny fiber of my being that wants him back. I’ll take his motorcycle, his dog and his niece haha, but not him. No thank you. In the words of Carrie Underwood:


And there you have it. My venting session for today.

So tell me, have you ever stalked your ex on social media? What unpleasant (or hilarious) things have you discovered? I want to know!


6 thoughts on “The Ex Factor

  1. I definitely stalked my ex on the internet because frankly, I wanted to see how miserable he was without me, and this is years later. Social media wasn’t even a thing when we dated, but still…I had to know. Good news: he doesn’t have a facebook or a twitter or a linked in or an instagram or a myspace (yeah, I even looked there) and probably doesn’t have these because he’s a lying cheating bastard and doesn’t want all of his current idiot honeys to find out about each other. I found out he was cheating on me when I ran into his other girlfriend on Valentine’s day in front of his house.

    • So we’re thinking he’s getting better at the whole lying and cheating? I hope that’s not the case, for whatever girl he has in his snare now. What happened with the other girlfriend? Did you punch her in the baby-maker?! I like to think I’d do something like that, but the reality is I’m a lover, not a fighter.

      • Actually, it’s a really long story, but we ended up spending the day together drinking and swapping stories until the wee hours of the morning. I never promote my blog in comments, but I wrote about it, if you’re ever interested in the story (only now you know how it ends). Lovepocalypse is what it’s called. It’s a long long 3 part story.

        I loved this post, by the way! And hate that he is “happy”, but you never know. She might be a total nagging bitch who never does anything fun in or out of the bedroom. And once they have kids, she’ll probably start hating him, if she doesn’t already. Men are stupid…most of the time.

  2. My ex bought a house after sinking me into debt. I was NOT happy about that. He isn’t on Facebook but he does have a match profile which one of my friends found out when he was included in some summary E-mail she got. Funny to read that.

  3. Pingback: 2014: The Year of Jessica – Completely | Jessica In Real Life

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